This is an updated blog post that was originally published on October 31, 2024.
Even as someone who coaches women on building balanced, successful businesses, I still fall into the comparison trap. It’s sneaky like that. And I want to share a recent moment that made me realize just how insidious it can be—even for those of us who should “know better.”
You know the feeling. You’re scrolling through social media, and suddenly you’re caught in a web of “shoulds.” You should be doing this. You should be doing that. You see what another woman in business is doing, and you start wondering why her business is growing while yours feels stuck. Before you know it, that familiar sinking feeling settles in.
That’s probably why they say comparison is the thief of joy.
My Confession: When I Got Caught in the Comparison Trap
I was recently out to lunch with my dear friend Maureen Porto. She’s a Leading Lady Ambassador, does all my brand photography, and honestly? She’s the hype girl everyone needs in their life. Genuine, loving, kind—just wonderful in every way possible.
So we’re sitting there, and I said to her, “Hey Maureen, I’m going to be a little vulnerable here. I’m feeling bad that I talk about being a woman who supports women in business… but I don’t go to a lot of events around town. I’m not usually present at the networking events or small business socials or things like that.”
Now, it’s not that I don’t support small businesses—I absolutely do. I go out of my way to find women-owned businesses to support. But I don’t go to a lot of events. And sometimes I feel really bad about it.
I told her I felt like I should probably be more social. Maybe I should go to more events and get involved with other organizations.
Here’s the truth, though: I’m an extreme introvert. I also run multiple companies. And by the end of the day, I really just want to be at home with my dog, in my comfortable pajamas, maybe watching a movie. I’m just not a social butterfly. I probably was when I was younger, but as you raise a family and run businesses, and you’re naturally an introverted person, it gets harder to be out and about.
I used to push myself to do it anyway. And you know what happened? Burnout. So I’ve spent a lot of time undoing those expectations of myself.
And yet—there I was, sitting across from Maureen, feeling like maybe I should try harder. Maybe I should be more visible in the community. Which is just silly when I say it out loud, you know? I have an incredible network. The Leading Lady community online is 7,000 strong. I host workshops, group coaching programs, and masterminds. I’m not exactly a hermit.
But I see what other business coaches and other women are doing. They’re out there everywhere. And I feel like I should be doing more.
Do you know what Maureen said to me?
“You are not that girl. And that’s okay.”
She reminded me that my word of the year is “gentle.” Don’t force it. Don’t force yourself to be something you’re not. Be gentle with yourself.
She didn’t launch into some profound explanation. She just simply reminded me: that’s not me. And if I tried to be that person—the one who’s out at every event, the one who’s “everywhere”—I wouldn’t be showing up as my best self. I would be absolutely exhausted, ragged, rundown, cranky, and probably not present even when I did show up because I’d be thinking about how much I just wanted to go home.
I’m so thankful I have people in my life who remind me of that. People who keep me grounded. People who love me through the moments when I’m “shoulding” all over myself.
(Yeah, I say that all the time: I “should” all over myself. And it’s quite messy.)
Why We Fall Into the Comparison Trap
Here’s what I know to be true: falling into the comparison trap is normal. I hear it all the time from women in leadership. They feel like they’re not doing enough, they should be doing more, why is she more successful, what is she doing that I’m not doing—and on and on it goes.
I don’t want to shame anyone for this. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there.
Social media absolutely makes it worse. And I have such a complicated relationship with social media. On one hand, I love it. I love to see what other people are doing. I learn a lot from it. I find it entertaining, informational, educational. I really enjoy it for many reasons.
What I don’t love is when I feel myself—especially when I’ve been on social media more frequently—getting into this negative loop. Feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m not doing enough. I should be doing XYZ if I want to reach certain goals.
And on social media, everything looks easy, doesn’t it? “Oh, I could launch a digital course! I could be creating speaker reels! I should be writing a million blog posts!” There’s just… so much. It never ends. Because there’s so much content being created out there, we start to think that if we want to be relevant or successful, we have to do all the things that other people are doing.
That’s a really dangerous mindset.
The Truth About Everyone Else’s Highlight Reel
Here’s something important to remember: everyone curates what they share on social media. Most people don’t share their struggles—they only share their wins. That can make it look like they only have success.
But we know that’s not the whole story. What we see online often looks easy, but creating quality content and “doing all the things” isn’t as simple as it appears. The reality is that most of us didn’t go to school to learn how to show up on social media or market ourselves in our businesses. Technology changes so fast that even I find it hard to keep up with the new tools and trends.
Social media has made our world so much smaller and so much less private. We now have a front row seat to other people’s businesses and lives. And when we’re constantly exposed to their highlight reels, it gets really hard to stay rooted in our own values, our own strengths, our own authenticity.
After a while, you can feel the weight of all those “shoulds.”
The Real Cost of Living in Comparison
When we get stuck in the comparison trap, a few things happen—and none of them are good.
We stop celebrating our own wins. We’re so busy looking at what everyone else is doing that we forget to acknowledge our own progress. I actually talked about this recently—why celebrating your success matters so much for business growth.
We try to be someone we’re not. And when we do that, we show up exhausted, inauthentic, and not at our best. We might even experience burnout—trust me, I’ve been there.
The people who need us can’t find us. This is the one that really gets me. If we’re so busy trying to be and do and act like everyone else, the people who really need our unique gifts and strengths might not be able to find us. They have to sift through all the filters and things we’ve built because we were trying to keep up with whatever everyone else is doing.
That’s a powerful truth right there. Your ideal clients need the real you—not a watered-down version trying to fit someone else’s mold.
How to Break Free
So how do we shake off the “shoulds” and escape the comparison trap? Here’s what’s worked for me:
Ground Yourself in Your Values
Through your own personal and professional development, you can ground yourself in your values, your strengths, your authenticity. Be deliberate and diligent about how you’re showing up as an individual—not as a copy of someone else.
Recognize Your Unique Strengths
Focus on what you do well rather than trying to mimic someone else’s success strategies. Your approach is going to look different than theirs—and that’s actually what makes it work.
I know the people who find me probably love that I’m introverted. They probably love that my events are small. They love that I’m not the small-talk girl—I’m the “let’s get straight down to the deepest corners of our souls and bare it all” girl. Those are the types of people I connect with.
Be Deliberate About How You Show Up
Choose the platforms and methods that feel authentic to you, not just what’s trending or what the comparison trap tells you you “should” be doing.
When we’re talking about growing or scaling our businesses, it’s so easy to hear “you need to go to more networking events, you need to be more visible, you need to be on TikTok and Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn.” But sometimes we just need to pause and ask ourselves: Where does it feel best for me to be? What do I want my life and business to look and feel like?
Surround Yourself with Supportive People
Find friends and colleagues who will remind you of your unique value when the comparison trap starts to creep in. People like Maureen, who can lovingly say, “That’s not you. And that’s okay.”
Having a strong support system isn’t just nice to have—it’s essential. We need people who will ground us and love us through the moments when we’re stuck in our own heads.
Use Social Media Mindfully
Be aware of how social media affects you. Take breaks when needed. And remember that what people share online isn’t the whole story.
Celebrate Others’ Success, Genuinely
When you see another successful woman, I hope you say, “Lady, you’re killing it. You’re doing awesome.” And then leave it at that. She can do fantastic in her own way. You can do fantastic in your own way.
What makes it so fantastic is that it’s unique and authentic to each of you. We don’t all have to run our businesses, show up in our businesses, be visible, and do all the things the same way.
Focus on Your Own Unique Journey
Remember, what works for someone else might not work for you—and that’s okay! Don’t be a trend follower just for the sake of it. Be authentic. Find your own way.
That doesn’t mean struggle through it alone. If something is hard, absolutely reach out for help. But don’t learn things just for the sake of “everyone else is doing it.”
The Power of Authenticity in Business
Because I’m comfortable in my own authenticity—because I can shake off the shoulds and expectations—I attract people who see who I really am.
And that’s what we need to remember. Your authenticity is like a beacon. When you shine it brightly, without dimming it to fit into someone else’s mold, you guide your ideal clients right to you.
You will be most successful when you work in a way that aligns with what’s important to you and what feels best for you. Your path doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be valid and successful.
Your Invitation
So here’s my question for you: where are you getting stuck in comparison?
Instead of looking at what others are doing and feeling like you should be doing the same, ask yourself:
- What feels good to you?
- What do you want your life and business to look and feel like?
- How can you align your business practices with your core values?
Let’s make a pact to leave the comparison trap behind. To step into our businesses as our unique, authentic, imperfect selves. And to trust that by being true to who we are, we’ll attract the people and opportunities that are meant for us.
Ready to Step Into Your Authentic Self?
If this post resonated with you and you’re craving a community of women who will remind you “that’s not you, and that’s okay,” I’d love to connect.
My free Strategic Planning Wheel is a simple tool that helps you audit not just your business, but your whole life. It’s a great way to see what’s working, what’s draining you, and where you might be chasing someone else’s version of success instead of your own.
And if you’re looking for real community and support, come join us in the Leading Ladies Facebook group. We have 7,000 women showing up for each other, sharing wins and struggles, no judgment. Just real talk about building businesses and lives that feel as good as they look.
Want to go deeper? The Hub is my virtual membership for women entrepreneurs who are ready for ongoing support, weekly coaching calls, and a community that will challenge you and cheer you on.
You weren’t meant to figure this out alone.
