325: What 4-Year-Olds Teach Us About Inclusion: Fan Favorite Replay

Hi there. You’re listening to the Leading Lady podcast. I’m your host, Alison Loftus, and I’m a certified professional coach specializing in leadership and work-life balance. I work with clients to shift their limiting beliefs, insecurities, and self-doubt. This podcast will be filled with tools and strategies to help high-achieving women like you feel connected, empowered, and in the lead of your life, both personally and professionally. Let’s transform your life, starting now. Lead yourself. The rest will follow.

Hi there, leading ladies, and welcome. Today I want to talk to you about something that I shared at a recent collective meeting, and it was an analogy that reminded me of the uninhibited way four-year-old girls connect, and how we can learn so much from them as women in business.

So if you’re new here, then you might not know that I have owned private childcare centers, preschools for the last 20-plus years. And so I’ve spent a lot of time with four-year-olds. And I will shamelessly admit that when I’m having a bad day, it crosses my mind to just pop into one of the centers and spend a little time with them, because it is the fastest way to gain confidence.

They are just so friendly. Specifically the girls, they have this uninhibited inclusion, you know, approach. They’re just spontaneous and enthusiastic about how they compliment you. You walk in and it’s like, “Oh my gosh, you have cool shoes. I like your dress. I like your hair. Will you be my best friend?” And then you get an instant invitation to their birthday party or to come over and play.

They just want so badly to pull you into their friendship. There is a complete absence of pretense or gatekeeping. It is just pure joy and connection. Like I said, when I’m having a day that I’m feeling a little bit down, I am tempted to just go spend an hour or two at the preschool, or not even an hour, just 20 minutes, because I have seen that light in early learners and it’s just so authentic and so beautiful.

You don’t have to be with them for an extended period of time before they just immediately swoop you in and surround you with this friendship and want to pull you into their lives. I mean, it’s their four-year-old little lives. They’re just so excited to make a new friend and to have you there and to participate. And they shower you with questions and compliments. And like I said, it’s just so authentic and beautiful.

Where Do We Lose This as Adult Women?

And I often wonder, you know, where do we lose this as adult women? You know, as I reflect upon this, when did I start to shy away from being so open to put myself out there?

And I think it’s a couple of things. You know, number one, we might be fearful of judgment. We get stuck in that comparison and competition. You know, we’re sizing each other up. We’re saying, “Is this woman a threat to me? Am I as good as she is?”

Sometimes we’re waiting for permission for an in before we reach out. You know, as an introvert, I have social anxiety. I don’t want to impose or insert myself somewhere where I’m not wanted. So I’m usually like, for me personally, I’m waiting for that cue that says, “Hey, you’re safe here. Come on in.”

We start to lose that spontaneous connection and openness, that willingness to compliment one another.

How This Shows Up in Women-Owned Businesses

So how does this show up in women-owned businesses? By not complimenting another business for fear of seeming less than. We stay quiet. We’re hesitant to tell another woman that, “Wow, you’re really slaying it. I love what you’re doing. I see you out there. You’re like, crushing it.”

Because I think we don’t want to be interpreted as we’re not doing that. It’s like, if I compliment her, it’s because I’m not doing as well as her. And that’s simply not true. You can compliment somebody just because they’re doing well and you could still be doing well. It’s okay to give those compliments openly.

I see this in how we gatekeep connections or resources. Listen, I am an open book. I love being a connector. It is one of my most favorite things about being the leading lady of the Leading Ladies. I love connecting women together. I love sharing resources.

You know, if there’s a solution or a person or tool or resource that I think is going to help you in your business, I’m going to share that. I learned that that’s like not normal. A lot of women don’t do that because they’re afraid. They’re afraid, “Hey, if I share this resource with you, you’re going to use it and you’re going to be better than me,” or, “I worked so hard to do this. Why would I share that with you? Go figure it out yourself.”

Like, come on. That is not the way to empower one another and encourage one another and build each other up.

Yeah, I think a lot of women think that there’s only room for one. There’s only room for one winner. And I talk a little bit about this in my book, Take the Lead, about how success is not pie. You know, we don’t run out of slices of success. You have to be confident in yourself and know that another woman’s success, another woman’s win, is not going to take away from yours.

Just because another woman is doing well in her business doesn’t mean that automatically means you’re going to do less than well in your business. It’s just not like that.

But somewhere along the way, as we grow, we start to put these walls up and we start to feel guarded, and rightfully so in some cases. I mean, I think all of us have a story that we could share where we’ve been burned by a bad relationship or a partnership or a friendship. You know, any kind of ship. That ship has gone down, and we’re usually the one left to deal with the wreckage, and that can leave lasting scars and it can make us guarded.

And we start to lose that childlike innocence of wanting to connect with others. And I think that there’s a difference between aging and hardening versus aging and gaining wisdom and being more discerning about how we put our energy out there.

Choosing Community Over Competition

And there has to be a balance. We have to keep a joyful, playful, childlike authenticity to us of really just pulling people in. I love this uninhibited inclusion, that people don’t have to earn their place.

It is the act of openly and wholeheartedly welcoming, appreciating, and connecting with others without hesitation, judgment, or fear of rejection. I think that’s really what it boils down to, is we start to build those walls up, and we stop reaching out and pulling people in because we’re so afraid of being rejected.

So this is about creating space for others with sincerity, without overthinking, withholding, or gatekeeping. I know I’ve mentioned gatekeeping a little bit, but it’s like we’re hoarding all the resources and we’re so afraid of letting others know that there’s tools and support out there that can help them be successful as well.

So how do we get past this? Complimenting another woman’s brilliance without worrying about how it reflects on you. You know, just because you compliment her brilliance doesn’t mean that you’re not brilliant, too.

Okay. Inviting someone into your space, at your table or your network without needing them to earn their place. I know, I know, we meet someone and we’re immediately, like, sizing them up. “Do you belong here?” And I think that that’s such a quick judgment.

Without knowing anything about that person, we’re making these huge assumptions and judgments, even considering the possibility that something magical could happen in that connection.

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Leading With Kindness, Curiosity, and Connection

We need to lead with kindness, curiosity, and connection without armor, comparison, or conditions. Stop expecting so much from people and just approach things in a way of, “How can I bring kindness into this? How can I help this person feel more connected? How can I connect with this person? Is there something in this conversation that is going to teach me something? Is there an opportunity here for me to grow?”

And if we started approaching each other with curiosity and openness, I mean, it’s about choosing community over competition, generosity over scarcity, and authenticity over performative belonging. It’s how we build deeper connections, stronger businesses, and honestly, more joyful lives.

So when I think about this and I think about the four-year-old girls, and like I said, they’re so quick to include you. How do we get back to that mentality? You know, how can we adopt that four-year-old mindset?

How to Adopt a Four-Year-Old Mindset

Okay. Say what you admire out loud. Say what you admire about other women out loud. Send the DM. Write the comment. Make the compliment. Do it, try it. Try it for just a week and see how you feel.

Reach out first. Introduce yourself, extend the invite, and make the connection. Okay, I hear you, fellow introverts. That’s like really hard. Really exhausting. But if you just take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is coming from a place of kindness and connection, and us introverts, we love a meaningful connection.

We love a meaningful connection. So reach out, make that connection.

Include other women freely. This is where I just, oh, I get so hyped up about this. Collaborate, uplift, refer, refer each other. If you know a woman that could be a possible solution to someone else’s problem, if she could be that resource, if she could be that business, if she has that tool that can help someone else level up, refer her, share her, talk about her in rooms that she is not in, and cheer each other on.

It is so easy to focus on the negative. It is so easy to get tunnel vision as to what’s right in front of us, and I just encourage us all to expand our minds and be thinking with solution focus. Because when we are solution focused, we can often think of the women and the businesses that can contribute to those solutions.

Create Spaces That Feel Like Birthday Parties

Create spaces that feel like birthday parties. Okay. Like, hear me out. You’re invited to a four-year-old’s birthday party. She is just so happy that you are there because in that moment, you have just become her brand-new best friend.

And so I try and treat my spaces like that, like the collective. You’ve been invited into my space. You’ve been invited into something that I’ve created. And I really try to be so welcoming and joyful and celebrate her, celebrate her for just showing up, showing up for herself, showing up for others.

And when things feel like they are celebrations, even just teeny, teeny, tiny mini ones, if they’re just feeling like they matter, it’s really gonna make a difference.

And I think that this mindset strengthens community, deepens trust, and supports growth in a sustainable, heartfelt way. I know for me that I often felt like that was lacking in groups that I would attend or spaces that I would enter. I would feel like, “I don’t know if I belong here,” and I never feel that way when I’m around a four-year-old.

They’re pretty darn excited to see you. And they want to just shower you with friendship and inclusion, and they are just so happy to get to know you and to tell you all about themselves. My cheeks hurt because I’m just smiling so big.

If you’ve ever spent any amount of time with a four-year-old or a preschool-aged child, you know what I’m talking about. There’s just such a warmth and a joy. And like I said, a showering of friendship.

And I think somewhere along the way, I know somewhere along the way, life hardens us and we forget.

We forget that inner child that just so deeply wants to connect. And I think if we were able to adopt that as women in business and really just pull each other in and celebrate one another and get to know each other in meaningful ways, it would all just look and feel a whole lot better.

This entrepreneurship is hard. Leadership is hard. It’s lonely. And chances are there’s tons of other inner four-year-olds that are just looking to say, “Will you be my business bestie? Will you come to my party? Will you come celebrate me? Can I celebrate you? Can I learn all about you? I admire everything about you and all the quirks and all the things you know.”

So let’s kind of step outside that insecurity, release or lower or drop all the walls that we’ve built over the years and just embrace that childlike authenticity, that uninhibited inclusion, and connect.

So if this resonated with you, I would love to hear from you. I do read and respond to every email. There’s always room for another business bestie at this party. So if you’re looking for your people, if you’re ready to just find a space of inclusion and celebration and acceptance, just all the amazing things that make us feel like we’re part of something bigger than ourselves.

Get Connected With the Leading Lady Community

The Leading Lady community has a couple different ways that you can get involved. If you’re local to Annapolis, please reach out. We’d love to have you as a guest at the Annapolis Collective. We have a couple meetings every month.

You can go to my website, leadinglady-coaching.com. Go to the events calendar, and you can see all of the things that are happening in person here in Annapolis, but also virtually. You can connect with us virtually.

And of course, we have the new Leading Lady Business Hub, which is a membership. You can join us. You have access to all of the ambassadors, tons of resources. Like I’m talking a huge library full of resources, plus weekly live coaching with me and with our ambassadors.

There’s a community component. I’m just, ah, I cannot say enough amazing things about this new community that we have. It’s online. You can be anywhere in the world and participate in it. And the whole point of that was to create a space where coaching was affordable and accessible, and you had direct access to the experts that can help you in your growth and development, either personally or professionally.

So I hope you will check us out there and get connected with us. And I’m just happy to have you in the Leading Lady community in any capacity. So until next time, take the lead.

Thanks for tuning in for another episode of the Leading Lady podcast. You can find all of the links and information mentioned in this episode at leadinglady-coaching.com. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to follow the show so you don’t miss any future episodes. And while you’re there, it would mean the world to me if you would take a few seconds and leave me an honest review.

This will allow me to be able to help other high-achieving women find inspiration, connection, and develop strategies to live and lead with purpose and intention. See you here next week.