300: Relief is Data; Why Letting Go Sometimes Feels Lighter than Holding On

Hi there. You’re listening to the Leading Lady podcast. I’m your host, Allison Loftus, and I’m a certified professional coach specializing in leadership and work-life balance. I work with clients to shift their limiting beliefs, insecurities, and self-doubt. This podcast will be filled with tools and strategies to help high-achieving women like you feel connected, empowered, and in the lead of your life, both personally and professionally. Let’s transform your life starting now. Lead yourself. The rest will follow.

Hi there, leading ladies, and welcome to today’s episode. Today is episode number 300. I cannot believe we are 300 episodes in, and we’re actually getting ready to celebrate six years of this podcast. And so if you’ve been with us a long time, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here, for being a loyal listener, for tuning in week after week. And if you’re new here, welcome. I hope that you’re able to find some really great nuggets in these episodes and some value. And just like I say at the end of all of my episodes, I really do want to hear from you. I do read and respond to every email, so if you have questions, comments, feedback, anything, I would love to hear from you.

Okay, so let’s jump right in. Today I want to share with you how I believe relief, the feeling of relief, is data and what it means when letting go feels lighter than holding on.

Have you ever ended something and maybe instead of heartbreak or disappointment or anger, you just felt lighter? Letting go of a client that maybe you had been holding on to because you thought that’s what you needed to do in customer service, and you let them go because you knew it just wasn’t aligned. Maybe you released a team member or an employee or a contractor that you worked really hard to make it work, but at the end of the day the writing was on the wall. It just wasn’t a good fit.

Sometimes this looks like stepping back from a friendship that maybe you’ve stayed in out of loyalty or history. And finally, it might be holding a boundary and then watching someone exit on their own because they don’t like that boundary.

But instead of devastation in any of these scenarios, you feel relief.

And honestly, you might even feel a little guilty for feeling relieved.

Why Relief Can Feel Wrong for High-Achieving Women

Okay, so why does that relief feel wrong to high-achieving women? I want to talk about conditioning.

We have been conditioned to believe that loyalty equals love. History equals love. Endurance equals strength. Fixing and solving problems equals leadership. And holding on equals high character.

So when things end and we feel lighter, we think, gosh, am I being cold? Did I not care enough? Am I the problem? Maybe I gave up too soon.

But I want to ask you a better question.

What were you carrying that is no longer yours to carry?

At least that’s the question I ask myself. I say, what was I carrying that I no longer have to carry?

Scenario 1: Letting Go of a Client Who Wasn’t Aligned

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had a client that we probably held on to longer than we should have, even though we knew it wasn’t aligned.

And I’m telling you, it will always fall apart. It will always fall apart. There’s no scenario where it ends well when you have a client that really is not meant to be your client.

I’m speaking directly to maybe other coaches, other service providers, other people who are working directly with clients.

Signs that we override alignment include:

• We justify their behavior.
• We overfunction or overdeliver.
• We prep excessively before calls and meetings.
• We feel tension before meetings.
• When their name pops up in your email inbox or across your phone, you’re filled with dread.

So when you feel relief after a client leaves—after that client you knew wasn’t the right fit—when you finally let them go, it does not mean that you failed. It may mean that you were working too hard to hold something that wasn’t mutual and wasn’t aligned.

Our bodies know when something is not aligned with who we are.

Aligned clients respect boundaries. They implement the work you’re doing together. It’s collaborative. They take ownership. They stretch themselves. They’re willing to grow and learn with you.

Misaligned clients often require rescuing. They have urgent or emergency needs. They create an emotional drag. Lines are blurred. Roles are blurred. Scope of work is blurred. And they expect access without following the structure you’ve implemented.

So relief is actually your energy recalibrating.

We’ve all held on to that client where we’re thinking, “This is so hard. I can’t wait to be done with this client.” And when you’re finally done—whether the project ends or you part ways—that relief you feel is your energy recalibrating.

Scenario 2: Letting Go of a Team Member

This could be an employee or contractor, and this is big, especially for those of us who run smaller teams and work closely with them.

As high-achieving women, when we’re working with team members we’re often hoping they will grow into the role. Sometimes we adjust the role to fit where they are. We understand there’s a learning curve.

Another common pattern is avoiding hard conversations because we don’t want to be disliked. So we quietly carry extra work to compensate for that person not being the right fit.

But here’s the kicker. When that relationship finally ends—when they leave or when you have to ask them to leave—suddenly you’re sleeping better. You feel a financial exhale. Your mind clears.

Sometimes relief means you were overcompensating.

Relief doesn’t mean they were a bad person. It doesn’t mean you didn’t like them. It doesn’t mean you were a bad boss.

It simply means it wasn’t the right fit.

Leadership maturity is choosing alignment over attachment.

Sometimes we get so attached to the idea that we need someone in a role that we miss the misalignment. When we finally acknowledge it and detach, it gives us space to recalibrate.

I recently had someone share that she hired a new person and things were going really, really well. And what she realized was that in previous hires she had been overcompensating just to fill the role.

Once she got the right, aligned person in the role, it was night and day. And she questioned why she had allowed herself to struggle with the wrong people for so long.

Scenario 3: Staying in a Friendship Out of Loyalty or History

This one’s a tough one.

Sometimes we don’t stay in relationships because they’re healthy. We stay because we’re invested.

You might be thinking, Allison, why are we talking about friendships on a business podcast?

But if you look at my strategic wheel, I talk about relationships—both intimate and social. To be well-rounded leaders, we have to look at relationships personally and professionally.

Sometimes we’ve stayed in friendships that no longer fit who we are. People grow. People can be in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Sometimes those seasons last decades, which makes it even harder when they end.

Loyalty is beautiful. It’s one of my core values. I am loyal as they come.

But loyalty without reciprocity becomes depletion.

Signs you’ve stayed too long in a relationship include:

• You have to overexplain your boundaries.
• You’re managing their emotions.
• You rehearse conversations in your head.
• Maybe you’re running those conversations through ChatGPT. No judgment.
• You feel responsible for their stability.

And when you finally step back and feel relief, you might think, what is wrong with me?

But it’s not cruelty. It’s your nervous system saying, “I don’t have to brace myself anymore.”

Friendship can be hard as adults. It’s hard to make friends. It’s hard to nurture them. So we hold on tightly.

But if you take space and feel relief, that’s data. Your nervous system needed a break.

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Scenario 4: Holding a Boundary and Watching People Leave

This is really important.

Here’s the pattern: you hold a boundary, they pull away, then they accuse, and then they disengage.

And then you feel lighter.

If someone only stays when you shrink, their leaving is alignment.

Boundaries don’t destroy healthy relationships. They only expose unhealthy ones.

That can be true in friendships, with clients, with team members, in marriages—everywhere.

Say it with me: boundaries don’t destroy healthy relationships. They expose unhealthy ones.

Relief is showing you that you were bending. And when you finally stopped bending and held that boundary, the misalignment became clear.

How to Discern Relief From Avoidance

You might wonder whether you’re avoiding something or experiencing true relief.

Emotional maturity helps us discern the difference.

Relief is alignment when:

• You feel steady, not reactive.
• You don’t need to vilify other people.
• You don’t feel the urge to win or prove you’re right.
• You feel calmer in the days ahead.

People are not bad just because they’re not aligned with you.

Avoidance feels fast. It feels justified and defensive. Sometimes it even feels performative.

Alignment is quiet.

You can be sad and still feel relief.

There are two truths at once. You can be sad and still be relieved.

Alignment can feel sad, but it also feels steady and clarifying.

Reflection Prompts for Leaders

I’m going to invite you to reflect. Grab a piece of paper and a pen if you want to journal.

Here are some prompts:

1. Where am I overfunctioning?
2. Who requires me to shrink?
3. What relationship requires constant emotional labor?
4. If this ended tomorrow, what would my body feel first?
5. Am I staying because it’s aligned, or because I am loyal?

That last one hurts.

Relief is not the absence of care. It is the absence of strain.

Final Thoughts

I’ve actually gone through a couple of these transitions recently. These scenarios weren’t pulled out of thin air. They’re things I’ve personally experienced.

And I had moments of wondering: am I cruel? Am I the bad person? Shouldn’t I be more upset?

But all I felt was relief.

That relief was telling me something. It was data. It was feedback about what I had been carrying and how my body was reacting.

Sometimes growth doesn’t feel like expansion. Sometimes growth feels like an exhale.

It’s growing in maturity. It’s growing in clarity about your values and character. It’s growing in your need for peace.

When you feel relief, don’t rush to correct it. Study it.

Check in with your nervous system. Look at your workflows. Notice how you feel in conversations, projects, and rooms you’re in.

When things end and you feel relief, there’s no need to be bitter.

Be better, not bitter.

Use the information. It doesn’t have to be about who’s right or wrong. It can simply be lighter.

You can release people with compassion and kindness and hope they find lighter days too.

I hope this episode resonated with you. If you find yourself holding on to something or feeling strain somewhere and you’re searching for relief, revisit these scenarios and ask yourself what your body is telling you.

I do read and respond to every email, and I love hearing from you. If this resonated, if I hit a nerve, or if you want to talk deeper about it, please email me.

And again, welcome to episode 300 and our sixth year of podcasting. I’m so thankful for you.

Until next time, take the lead.

Thanks for tuning in for another episode of The Leading Lady podcast. You can find all of the links and information mentioned in this episode on the website. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to follow the show so you don’t miss any future episodes. And while you’re there, it would mean the world to me if you would take a few seconds and leave an honest review. This helps other high-achieving women find inspiration, connection, and strategies to live and lead with purpose and intention. See you here next week.