261: The High-Functioning Fog: The Mental Health Behind the Scenes of Success

Hi there. You’re listening to the Leading Lady podcast. I’m your host, AliceAnne Loftus, and I’m a certified professional coach specializing in leadership and work-life balance. I work with clients to shift their limiting beliefs, insecurities, and self-doubt. This podcast will be filled with tools and strategies to help high-achieving women like you feel connected, empowered, and in the lead of your life, both personally and professionally. Let’s transform your life starting now. Lead yourself, the rest will follow.

Hi there, leading ladies, and welcome to today’s episode.

Today I’m going to be talking about the high-functioning fog: the mental health behind the scenes of success. My hope is to break the stigma of anxiety, depression, and even ADHD in high-achieving women.

What prompted me to want to talk about this is that I shared this morning on my social media that I am someone who has always been really open and honest about my struggle with depression and anxiety, and even ADHD, and how that impacts my life and what I’ve had to learn and unlearn so that I can function and run my businesses and lead my life and manage my family and all the things.

When I shared on social media this morning that I’m someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety and ADHD, I got so many loving messages and DMs asking if I was okay and if I needed anything. It prompted people to check in on me, which is so lovely. And honestly, I’m just filled with gratitude that people saw that and reached out and wanted to check in.

And I’m not in crisis. So this is a warm reminder that even if you’re someone who does struggle with depression or anxiety, being open about it doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily in crisis in that moment.

I was so thankful that people reached out, and I had to remind them that it’s just something that’s part of who I am. It’s something that I’ve dealt with for most of my life, certainly all of my adult life. And it prompted me to want to share that there are some misconceptions about what mental health, quote unquote, looks like.

The Myth of What Mental Health Looks Like

You can be smiling, grateful, successful, and still struggling. I wanna bust the myth that depression equals sadness or that anxiety equals visible panic attacks.

Not everyone who is coping with depression or anxiety, or both, shows obvious signs. They’re not always walking through life looking super sad or super panicked or stressed out about things. It might be kind of a silent battle that they’re dealing with.

On the outside, you might see someone who is smiling and successful and excited about life and doing all the things. I certainly am someone who can run meetings and meet with clients and manage my household and have lunch with girlfriends and all of those things, and still feel that subtle depression and anxiety current that just runs through me.

It’s just part of who I am. I don’t know how else to explain that. Obviously, I’m not a licensed mental health therapist. I’m only sharing from my personal experiences and how depression and anxiety and ADHD have been woven into me and how they run through my day to day.

But the stereotype of the hot mess versus the reality of the well-dressed, polished overachiever quietly battling mental health, it’s harmful. Just because someone looks okay doesn’t mean that they aren’t struggling in some way. And like I said, I’m not a licensed mental health professional, but I have lived my own experiences of ADHD, anxiety, and depression.

The Quiet Storm Inside

When I first noticed it was probably high school. I really struggled. I was lonely a lot. I was quite introverted and quiet. I latched onto people probably harder than I should have, and I dealt with a lot.

I was a really good student. To my peers and to my teachers, to my friends, I probably looked like someone who had it together. And I did have it together. I just had this quiet storm inside of me swirling around, and I guess I didn’t realize that not everyone felt the way that I felt.

I thought that was, I don’t know, maybe not normal, but I didn’t know any other way to feel. That’s just how I felt.

What people might not see when you’re a good student, or you’re in school and doing well, and you’re in clubs, and then going to college and doing well in college, or getting a job and doing well in your job and being promoted and all of the things, what people don’t see is the exhaustion, the mental clutter, and even the emotional spirals that happen within you.

And I know for me, I did a really great job of hiding that from people. I didn’t want people to see the chaos that was in me. There’s an internal narrative that often runs alongside external success, whatever that might be.

That might be these expectations that you feel others have of you, or that you have of yourself. You might have your worth or your value tied to that productivity or that achievement, whatever that might be. There’s often a narrative running alongside that when you see someone who is overachieving or looking like they’re working really hard to keep things together.

How It Shows Up in Entrepreneurship

How this impacts entrepreneurship, at least for me in the day-to-day now, is that I get decision fatigue. I struggle with perfectionism. I am a chronic overthinker. And believe it or not, I have inconsistent motivation.

Motivation is not something that shows up every day. I think there are a lot of books out there that tell you, “Oh, just get up at 5:00 AM and then you’ll have a motivated life.” Okay, well, we can’t rely on that motivation every day, because I promise you, some days it’s just not there. It’s just not there.

And I’m not even talking about motivation to go out and slay your goals or conquer your dreams. I’m talking about motivation to get up, shower, brush your teeth, eat. Sometimes that motivation is not there, and you have to build systems and things in your business to keep things moving even when you’re not motivated to do them.

People pleasing is huge. Imposter syndrome and the fear of being found out, like, “Oh gosh, people are gonna realize that I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have it all figured out.”

I often use the analogy that sometimes I have two different socks on my feet, in my shoes. And I think there was a meme forever ago that said, to the world, it looks like everything’s okay, but little do they know that my sock is falling off inside my shoe.

And I know that I lived, and live (sometimes it creeps back in), with the fear that people are gonna know. They’re gonna know that I don’t have it all together and I don’t know what I’m doing.

A lot of women that I coach, I have to assure them about those thoughts that they’re having, that they don’t know what they’re doing, that they’re gonna fail, that crazy imposter syndrome that creeps in and tells us that we’re not enough or that we’re not qualified. I have those feelings too.

The paradox of being incredibly capable and feeling like you’re barely holding it together. I mean, good gosh. It’s just like, really? How do our brains even work that way? But it’s true.

And I know that I’m not alone, because I coach a lot of women who have the same thoughts and feelings that I have. That’s probably why I’m so passionate about coaching, because a lot of the things that I’m sharing and that I’m working through with my clients are things that I’ve gone through or I’m working through within myself.

People often say that we coach a past version of ourselves. And yes, I believe that. And I also believe that the same cycles and narratives that we have resurface over and over and over again. That’s why I continually say there’s nothing that I haven’t gone through, that I am going through, or that I will go through in this community of leading ladies.

That’s why we have to lean on each other, and we know that we can count on each other, because every single one of us has either gone through, will go through, or will overcome something. We’re not meant to do this journey alone, and I think we have to talk about it.

We have to talk about the challenges that we’re having. We have to talk about the days when we’re not feeling motivated, when we’re overthinking things, when perfectionism is getting in the way. We have to create spaces where we as high-achieving women feel safe to say, “Yeah, my sock’s falling off. I’m not really feeling awesome today.”

Coping Tools That Help Me

Some coping tools and what helps me, what has helped me: definitely therapy. When I look at my strategic wheel that I created for the Leading Lady community and for the women that I work with, there is a component on there that talks about our wellness, and that’s not just physical. That is our mental wellness as well.

Medication. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you were a diabetic and you needed insulin, you wouldn’t be like, “Oh gosh, I can’t believe I have to take this medicine to make me feel better.”

There’s such a stigma, and I think it’s less now. I think we’ve come a long way with the stigma around medication, but you have to find what works for you. You need to work with your doctor, your therapist, your psychiatrist. You need a team of people who are gonna help you navigate this, because there isn’t a one-size-fits-all.

What worked for Suzy Q might not work for you. So if you’re gonna go down that path of medication, make sure that you have a team of professionals that you can work with, someone to help you manage that. Someone that you can talk to about the side effects, if there are any, and what your goals are with that.

But there certainly should not be a stigma around getting the support you need, the medical support you need to manage that.

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Daily Routines Give Order to the Chaos

Something for me that has really been probably the foundation of my coping mechanisms is my daily routines. The routines give order to the chaos. And while I can be flexible with my routines, any lack of structure can actually feed my anxiety.

People say that pets are a great way to manage depression and anxiety. At least if you’ve met my dog, my dog knows if dinner’s at four o’clock and it is 4:03 and he has not had his dinner, he is certainly gonna let you know about it.

Same thing in the morning. He has an internal clock that just keeps him on schedule, and that keeps me on schedule. I can’t just sleep the day away. I have somebody who’s counting on me. Obviously, my kid’s counting on me too, but I’m in a place where I don’t have that structure so much in my life anymore.

But having a daily routine, or something that you can do almost on autopilot on those days when you’re lacking motivation, when you’re having decision fatigue, when you are feeling scattered, I cannot stress enough how much those routines can support you.

And routines don’t just have to do with time management. Routines could be your operating procedures. It’s why we have processes and procedures in our business, so that we can remove emotion from some tasks and just do the process. So look at whatever in your life feels chaotic to you, and ask yourself, “How can I build a structure or a routine around that?”

Strategic Delegation and Team Support

Number two, strategic delegation and team support. Oftentimes I find that women I work with delegate or build teams around them made up entirely of people who are just like them. You don’t need a team of four visionaries. You need implementers and integrators, and people who follow direction and who are organized, and dreamers. You need all kinds of people to support you in your role.

They don’t have to be employees. They can be contractors, they could be a board, they could be your 1099s, which are contractors. It could be employees. Whatever your team might look like, whatever that dynamic looks like, be strategic in delegating.

Find out what people’s strengths are, find out what your strengths are and where you need support, and then build a team to support you on those things. The more aware you are of yourself, the better you are going to be able to surround yourself with people who can support you in the things that you’re not good at or that you struggle with.

Create Environments That Honor Your Energy

Create environments that honor your energy. For me, it’s quiet mornings. I need planned breaks. I have to hold my boundaries for things. I need a little whimsy in my life. I love fresh flowers, and it’s because they are beautiful and they force me to pause. Even the simple act of cutting the flowers and making the arrangements is almost meditative for me.

So I look for ways to create spaces, physical spaces and mental spaces, that honor that, that allow me to step into calm, step into peace, step into what lights my heart up and what fuels me, what gives me energy.

So look at your environments. How are you honoring your energy? How are you nurturing yourself in the mental and physical spaces that you’re in?

Why This Conversation Matters

So why does this conversation matter? Well, the importance for high-functioning women is that we need to be honest about what’s real. We need to be honest. In a social media world, we’re seeing the highlight reels, and I’m very conscientious of what I put out there. I never, ever want to put a message out there that says, “Look how easy life is,” because that is simply not true.

Life can be wonderful and beautiful and brilliant and amazing. It can be hard sometimes. Life is life, and we need to have conversations, real, honest conversations, about not just the highs in life but the lows too, because we have to normalize all emotions. There’s no such thing as good or bad emotions, just comfortable and uncomfortable emotions.

Guess what? We need all of those emotions. I mean, come on. Has anyone seen the movie Inside Out? You need all of the emotions to be a fully functioning human being, and so we need to be honest about all the feels and what’s really going on.

Silence about those feelings, or hiding those feelings, all that does is feed shame for those who are observing, or even for ourselves. If we are not honoring those emotions and we’re hiding those feelings, then we’re just feeding shame.

Truth-telling builds community. It lets other people know that they’re not broken. You’re not broken just because you’ve had a hard season. You’re not broken because you get a little more worried or panicked about situations. You’re not broken.

There are lots and lots and lots of people who have those feelings, and when we can talk about them openly and honestly, we build connection, and connection builds community. I just wanna encourage you to build coping systems and also self-compassion without shame.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Like I said, you can have a beautiful, joyful, successful, dynamic, powerful life, and still feel sad, and still feel lonely, and still wonder why it’s so hard, because those are normal things.

My message to you all is you’re not broken. If you need support, I promise you, you are not broken. We all need support in some way or another. We’re not meant to do this alone.

Mental health is not a disqualifier of leadership. I promise you that your resilience is proof of your strength, and I think that’s absolutely beautiful. You can be a leading lady and have hard days, and that’s coming from this leading lady herself. You can be a leading lady and still have hard days.

We don’t talk about this enough, and when we do, we usually wait until we’re burned out or we’re broken down. But I wanna say, you don’t have to wait to fall apart to ask for support. You can be wildly successful and still struggle, and that does not make you weak. It makes you real.

So I hope that this episode brings to light that mental health is, oh gosh, it’s just so important. It’s the most important. Our health, our well-being, is the most important part of our leadership role. It’s the most important part of our lives.

If we’re not well, if we’re not honoring ourselves and nurturing ourselves, truly, I mean, not to sound cliche, but you literally can’t do anything else. You cannot show up in any other way if you’re not honoring yourself and nurturing your own needs.

And we don’t talk about mental health enough. We’re getting there. I’m so thankful for Leading Lady Ambassador Maria Winters. She’s a licensed mental health professional therapist, and she founded the Emotional Fitness Studio, which hosts all of their events right here in the Collective, my collective here in Annapolis. But she’s also online. You can connect with her online and see what programs she offers.

She partners with two of our other ambassadors, and they do a podcast, Wellness Rebranded, and they have a lot of conversations around this. I will definitely have her on as a guest for a future episode to really talk about this.

But like I said, what prompted me was sharing this morning on my Instagram stories, just being honest, “Hey, I’m someone who struggles with anxiety and depression and ADHD, and some days are really hard.” Today I felt it coming on, and I was like, “Okay, I’m going to go for a walk.” And then there was just the love and the outpouring of messages like, “Hey, are you okay?”

Yeah, I am okay. And I have depression and anxiety, and that’s okay. Two truths.

When you see these happy, smiling, wildly successful people on social media, please don’t for a minute think that they aren’t struggling. You never know. You never know what somebody’s going through. And you don’t have to be in crisis mode to acknowledge that you have to focus on your mental health.

So now I’m just rambling on, but I do hope that this episode resonated. If it did resonate with you, I hope that you will take a moment to shoot me an email. I do read and respond to every email. Your words matter. Your voice matters. And I just wanna remind you to take care of you, and it’s okay to ask for support.

So until next time, take the lead.

Thanks for tuning in for another episode of the Leading Lady podcast. You can find all of the links and information mentioned in this episode at www.leadinglady-coaching.com. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to follow the show so you don’t miss any future episodes. And while you’re there, it would mean the world to me if you would take a few seconds and leave me an honest review. This will allow me to help other high-achieving women find inspiration, connection, and develop strategies to live and lead with purpose and intention. See you here next week.