242: Comparison is the Thief of Joy: Best of 2024 Replay

Hi there. You’re listening to the Leading Lady podcast. I’m your host, AliceAnne Loftus, and I’m a certified professional coach specializing in leadership and work-life balance. I work with clients to shift their limiting beliefs, insecurities, and self-doubt. This podcast will be filled with tools and strategies to help high-achieving women like you feel connected, empowered, and in the lead of your life, both personally and professionally. Let’s transform your life starting now. Lead yourself, the rest will follow.

Hi there, leading ladies, and welcome to today’s episode.

I’m going to be talking with you about how the comparison trap really steals our joy. So often, I hear women in leadership talk about how they should be doing this, or should be doing that, or they saw that someone else is doing this, and that’s why her business is more successful, or why she’s gaining more traction towards her goals, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada.

And I think it’s pretty common. So I don’t want to shame anyone, and I don’t want to say you’re a bad person or you’re less than because you might find yourself in the comparison trap. Because let’s be honest, we’ve all been there. I myself get stuck in the comparison trap, and I get in this negative loop of what I think I should be doing because I see other people doing it.

My Complicated Relationship With Social Media

And in the world of social media, oh, I have such a love-hate… well, I wouldn’t say I hate social media. But I have such a complicated relationship with social media. Because number one, I love to see what other people are doing. I learn a lot from social media. I find it entertaining, I find it informational and educational. I think it’s social. I really enjoy social media for many, many, many reasons.

What I don’t love about social media is that I can feel myself sometimes, especially when I’ve been on social media more frequently, start to kind of get in this negative loop of feeling like I’m not good enough, or I’m not doing enough, or I should be doing XYZ if I want to reach 123. I find myself comparing what I’m doing to what other people are doing, or I’m fascinated by what they’re doing.

And honestly, on social media, a lot of things look easy. And I’m like, “Oh, I could do that. I could launch a digital course. I could be creating speaker reels or writing a million blogs,” or all of the things. It’s never ending. Because there’s so much content being created out there, there’s so much being produced, that we start to think that if we want to be relevant, or if we want to be successful, we have to do all the other things that other people are doing.

And that’s a really dangerous mindset, especially because we know that a lot of the quality content that is out there is not easy to do. It’s really not easy to do. And it might be easier for some than others. But for the larger mass, we did not go to school or gain education on how to show up in social media or how to market ourselves in our businesses. So it’s a lot harder than it looks. And technology changes so fast that I even find it hard to keep up with learning the new tools and trends.

The Weight of the Shoulds

So after a while, I can feel the weight of the shoulds. And I say it all the time, I should all over myself, and it’s quite messy. And I know I’m not the only one, because I hear that a lot. Women feel less than, feel like they’re not doing enough. “I should be doing more. Why aren’t I more successful? What is she doing that’s making her more successful?” And it just takes us down this rabbit hole where we get stuck in this comparison trap.

And I want to share that that’s normal. Number one, it’s normal. Social media does exacerbate it. And it’s hard to turn off the noise and the distractions to stay rooted in our values and our strengths, our authenticity, when we’re bombarded with so much content, and we kind of have a front row seat to people’s businesses and lives and things like that.

Social media has made our world so much smaller and so much less private. I don’t want to say it’s more public, but it’s less private. We’re getting to see everything of people, the good, the bad, the ugly, the raw, the filtered. We just see it all. And so we can really start to feel those negative effects of that constant comparison.

It’s important to share that the hope is that through your own personal and professional development, we can ground ourselves, like I said, in our values, in our strength, in our authenticity, and recognize and be deliberate and diligent about how we’re showing up as individuals.

A Vulnerable Lunch Conversation With Maureen

I’ll share with you, I was recently out to lunch with a dear friend. She’s also a fellow Leading Lady Ambassador, Maureen Porto. She’s amazing. She does all my brand photography, and I just love her to death. She is the hype girl everyone needs. She’s genuine and loving and kind, and just wonderful in every way possible. I can’t say enough good things about her.

And so we were out to lunch, and I shared with her. I said, “Hey, Maureen, I’m going to be a little bit vulnerable here with you. I’m feeling a little bad that I talk about being a woman who supports women in business, but I don’t go to a lot of events that are hosted around town.” I am not usually present at a lot of the networking events or small business events, social events that are out.

That’s not to say that I don’t support or shop with small businesses. I actually make a point to do that, go out of my way to find women-owned businesses to support. That’s just really important to me. But I don’t go to a lot of things out and about town. And sometimes I feel really bad about it. I feel like I should probably be more social, and maybe I should go to more events and get involved with other organizations.

And the truth of it is, I am an extreme introvert. I’m also tired a lot. I run multiple companies. And by the end of the day, I really just want to be at home with my dog in my comfortable house clothes, pajamas. And I’m just not really a social butterfly. I probably was when I was younger. But as you raise a family and you’re running businesses, and you’re naturally an introverted person, it gets harder to be out and about.

And I used to kind of push myself to do it, and I experienced burnout. And so I’ve spent a lot of time undoing those expectations of myself. And yet, I still sometimes fall into that comparison trap, thinking that people are going to judge me, or I’m not going to really be as successful or relevant, or, I hate to even say it, even liked. Because maybe people were like, “We never see her out.” I don’t know, maybe they don’t care.

But I shared that with her, that I was feeling like maybe I should try harder. Maybe I should be more visible out in the community. Which is just silly when I say it out loud. It’s just silly, because I have an incredible network. The Leading Lady community online is almost 7,000 strong, and I host networking events and workshops and group coaching programs and masterminds. I’m not a hermit. And yet, I see what other business coaches and other women are doing, and they’re out there, and I feel like I should be doing more.

“You Are Not That Girl, and That’s Okay”

And Maureen so lovingly said, “You are not that girl. And that’s okay. That is okay. Don’t force it.” And she reminded me that my word of the year is gentle, and not to force myself to be something I’m not. Be gentle with myself.

And she didn’t go on with some profound explanation of why I didn’t need to be that way. She just simply reminded me that that’s not me. That’s not me. And that if I tried to do that, I wouldn’t be showing up as my best self, because I would be exhausted. And I’m really thankful that I have people in my world that remind me of that, that keep me grounded, that love me through that.

And I think a lot of times when we get together and we’re talking about, “Oh, how do I grow or scale my business? What should I be doing?” it’s so easy to be like, “Well, you need to go to more networking events, you need to be more visible, you need to be on TikTok and Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn and all the things.”

And sometimes we just need to ask ourselves, or ask our friends, or speak up in those conversations and say, “Where does it feel best for you to be? What do you want your life to look and feel like, regardless of what other people are doing? How is that going to make you feel?”

And what I love about that conversation I had with Maureen is she reminded me that I would be absolutely exhausted if I tried to keep up with what everybody else is doing. And no, I would not be showing up as my best self. I would be completely ragged, rundown, cranky, and probably not present, even with who I was with, because I would be thinking about how much I just wanted to go home.

And so because I am introverted, I am very careful about what’s on my calendar and what I’m doing. When I’m there, I’m fully there and really giving it my all, because I know that’s valuable time that I’ve dedicated to that and to be present there. So I love that I have people that can remind me of that.

Admire Her Success, Then Own Yours

And I hope that if you are finding yourself looking through social media or going to events or admiring someone, it’s okay to admire someone and recognize the work that they’re doing. And if you see that they’re successful, or you like what they’re doing, it’s totally okay to admire it. It’s totally okay to acknowledge it, to celebrate it. In fact, I hope you do.

I hope that you look at another successful woman and say, “Lady, you’re killing it. You’re doing awesome. You’re doing fantastic.” And leave it at that, that she can do fantastic in her way, and you can do fantastic in your way. And what makes it so fantastic is that it’s unique and authentic to your success, and it’s unique and authentic to her success.

We don’t all have to run our businesses, show up in our businesses, be visible, and do all the things the same. And that’s really what comparison does. It tells us that we have to be doing, thinking, being, acting like everybody else. And that’s simply not true.

I think that the people that find me probably love that I’m an introverted person. They probably love that my events are small, that I’m not the small talk girl. I am the “let’s get straight down to the deepest corners of our souls and bare all.” Those are the types of people that I connect with.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that because I can be comfortable in my own authenticity, that I can shake off the shoulds and the expectations, I do attract the people that see who I really am. And that’s what we need to remember when we start to feel stuck in that comparison. If we’re so busy trying to be and do and act like everyone else, the people who really need our unique gifts and strengths might not be able to find us.

That’s the truth of it. They might not be able to find us if they have to sift through all the filters and things that we built because we were trying to keep up with whatever everyone else is doing. So, powerful lesson there.

Don’t Be a Trend Follower

And I want to caution you, as you’re listening to my podcast, other podcasts, while you’re scrolling through social media, looking on Facebook, staying up to date on all the latest trends and things happening in business and social media. I’m going to caution you to not get stuck in that comparison trap, and to really ground yourself in what feels good to you. What do you want your life to look and feel like? And how is that going to feel best for you?

Don’t be a trend follower. Be authentic. Find your own way. That doesn’t mean struggle through it alone. If something is hard, then absolutely reach out for help, if it’s something that is important and you want to learn. But don’t learn things just for the sake of everybody else doing it.

Don’t think that if you’re not doing what another successful woman is doing, that’s going to mean that you’re not going to be successful. You will be successful when you align your business practices with your core values, and when you work in a way that aligns and matches with what’s important to you and what feels best to you.

So I hope that that was helpful. And if you want to chat more about getting off the comparison trap and finding your authentic self, I invite you to book a complimentary coaching call with me. Let’s talk about some ways that you get stuck. Let’s talk about what your core values are and how you can best align yourself to show up as your authentic self in a way that feels good to you.

And let’s just choose to leave comparison behind and step into 2024 as our unique, authentic, imperfect selves, and trust that with what we put out there, we will attract the people that are meant for us.

So until next time, take the lead.

Thanks for tuning in for another episode of the Leading Lady podcast. You can find all of the links and information mentioned in this episode at www.leadinglady-coaching.com. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to follow the show so you don’t miss any future episodes. And while you’re there, it would mean the world to me if you would take a few seconds and leave me an honest review. This will allow me to be able to help other high-achieving women find inspiration, connection, and develop strategies to live and lead with purpose and intention. See you here next week.