274: How Venting Impacts Your Mindset and Relationships: Fan Favorite Replay

Hi there. You’re listening to the Leading Lady podcast. I’m your host, AliceAnne Loftus, and I’m a certified professional coach specializing in leadership and work-life balance. I work with clients to shift their limiting beliefs, insecurities, and self-doubt. This podcast will be filled with tools and strategies to help high-achieving women like you feel connected, empowered, and in the lead of your life, both personally and professionally. Let’s transform your life starting now. Lead yourself, the rest will follow.

Hello, leading ladies. For today’s episode, I am wanting to chat with you about venting, when venting is helpful and appropriate, and when it’s actually just gossip.

A Bad Day Post in the Facebook Group

Recently, in the Leading Ladies Facebook group, one of our members had posted that she had had a horrible day, that she totally blew a presentation, and her day was just awful. And she ended the post by asking if anyone else was having as bad a day as she was, or if anyone else was having a bad day, to share what was going on.

And I have to admit that the post kind of rubbed me wrong. Not in that I thought she did anything wrong or inappropriate, but I wasn’t really comfortable with the invitation for others to vent or complain in the Facebook group. And let me tell you why.

I think as women, as women in leadership, and in any community filled with like-minded people, we look for comfort from others, that others are experiencing the same trials and struggles and issues that we are feeling. Because when we feel that our challenges are validated, it is comforting. It goes back to that old saying, “Misery loves company.” People don’t want to suffer alone. People want to normalize their pain so that they feel less humiliated or less broken or less of a failure. It just feels better to know that other people are struggling alongside you.

I completely appreciate that. And I think the intent of the post was to say, “Hey, I’ve had a bad day. Is it just me? Has anybody else had a bad day? Share what’s going on in your world to help me feel better about myself and my blooper.” That is completely normal, and it’s actually something that women do quite often.

The Girls’ Night Out That Changed My Perspective

I was reminded of a time, it was probably 15 years ago, when I was out to dinner with a group of friends. Most of us were new moms. We’d been married maybe five years or less, all of the women at the table. And everyone was drinking wine and gorging on appetizers and venting about the week that they’d had, complaining about their husbands. And I’m not saying just complaining about, “Oh my gosh, my husband leaves his socks on the floor,” but really sharing the dirt of their marriage.

And I remember looking around the table and thinking, “This feels horrible. And I’m starting to really not like their husbands.” Because anything and everything I had ever heard about their husbands was very negative. We had grown accustomed to these girls’ nights out where we were completely bashing our significant others, where we were letting it all out, venting about our husbands and all of their idiosyncrasies and quirks and annoying habits. We were venting about our children and the struggles of motherhood, and we were venting about our jobs and how hard life was being a working mother.

And I think I sat back for a good five or 10 minutes and just observed and thought, “I do not want to spend this amount of time complaining about my life.” I think that was a really pivotal moment in how I wanted to express myself or share the challenges that I was having in my life.

It certainly in that moment felt like everyone was trying to commiserate or share who had it worse. “Oh, my life is so hard because it’s this.” “Oh, I’ll never forget when my husband did that.” “My kids are so crazy, they do this.” And it almost just becomes this, I don’t know, this unspoken ceremony of just dumping your shit. It really felt horrible.

And I remember going home that evening and just feeling gross. I just felt like nothing productive… I didn’t feel better by hearing everyone else’s struggles. And I certainly was ashamed of myself. I can’t remember the specifics, if I had shared any. But those first five, seven years of marriage can be really overwhelming, especially when you have a new baby or young children, or you’re starting a business, or trying to balance it all. So I’m sure that I shared things that were less than ideal about myself and my marriage and my husband, and I just remember feeling horrible about it.

And like I said, I was beginning to not like their husbands, because anything that I was hearing, obviously, was the worst of them. And when you start to only see and hear about that side of a person, it’s hard to then socialize with them at the next week’s barbecue and not have that in your mind. “Oh, he treats her like garbage and makes her cry and doesn’t help her.” Those images were really burned into my brain.

Protecting How Others See the People You Love

And I have always been very cognizant of that moving forward, that if I wanted people to see the best in my significant other and in my children and in my family, I needed to make sure that I didn’t use every opportunity, every girls’ night out, to verbally bash them or complain or vent about how hard or horrible things were.

Because I think that when we do have those girls’ nights out, and when we do get together with our friends, we are looking to let off a little steam, to let our hair down and really just kind of shake off the week. But some things really aren’t appropriate. If you’re sharing something that’s going to change how people see or respect your family and your significant other, then you’re probably doing more harm to your relationship than you think.

I’ve often heard women say, “Oh, thank God for girls’ night out. It saves me from so many fights with my husband,” or with my significant other, “because I can just come here and vent to you all and complain to you all, and you all tell me I’m right. And then I can go home and sweep it back under the rug.”

So for me personally, with any issues that I was having in my home, of course I have a couple girlfriends that I will call and say, “Hey, I’m really going through a hard time.” But it’s more of an intimate conversation of asking for help, asking them to help me be my best self and help me create a solution. It’s not necessarily a vent session or a bashing session, but more of a, “Hey, I’m going through something, and I could really use your friendship to help me get through that.” And I think there’s a very fine line between what that looks like.

And so I challenge you to think about how you speak about your family, and specifically your significant other and your children. How do you speak about them? Who do you vent to about them? And what is the image of their character that that person is now having about that person in your family?

When Venting Shapes Someone Else’s Perception

And it doesn’t just go for spouses. I remember having a friend, and we had a mutual friend. I didn’t know the mutual friend very well; I’d met her a few times socially. But every time I was with my friend, she was always venting or complaining about something horrible that this other woman had done to her, or how she had treated her, or something that she had said to her. And I would just listen, and I would think, “Oh my gosh, that’s horrible. Why would she treat you that way? What did you say? What are you gonna do?”

And I would always be so surprised when the next week they were out shopping or having lunch or getting manicures together, or going to a workout together, going for a run. And I would think to myself, “If this woman treats her so terribly, why are you still friends with her?” But then I would meet the person out socially, and I felt awkward. We weren’t really close friends, but knowing what I knew, why would I want to put myself out there or expose myself to somebody who I had heard firsthand really treats her friends like crap?

So it backfired, though. Because when my friend wanted the three of us to get together, I was very closed off. I thought, “Why on earth would I do that? You have never told me anything positive about her. Why would I want to open myself up to be close friends with someone like that?”

And my friend said, “I was just venting to you. Obviously, she’s not like that all the time. You’re just the only person I could talk to about all the crazy, horrible things she does.” And I said, “Well, unfortunately, that’s really helped shape my perception of her. And some of the things that you shared with me are really horrible. I don’t want to be associated with someone who treats people like that. So if you were exaggerating, or if you were playing victim, then ultimately you killed any chance of me having a clean slate of how I perceive her.”

So we have to be really careful about how we portray people in our venting. When we vent and we victimize ourselves, or we play the victim in our venting, we are villainizing the other person. And that ultimately is going to affect how other people see that person or want to associate with that person.

Venting Without Solution Focus Is Just Gossip

So venting is a valuable tool. It is important. It does have its place. We all have to feel like we have a safe place to share our struggles, to let out any worry or hurt or anger. We all need a safe place to talk about our uncomfortable emotions and our feelings that are making us feel less than great.

However, when we are venting without solution focus, that’s just gossip. If you are sharing a problem with someone who is not invested in helping you to find a solution or create a solution or move towards solution, then really the only purpose of the venting is to gossip.

I see this a lot in the workplace when I am working with organizations, and even in my own organization. When you have one coworker that’s venting about another coworker to someone who is not in a position to help solve that problem, you’re not just venting to that coworker. You’re now gossiping about another coworker.

I think that it’s really important to recognize the purpose of the venting. Why are you letting those emotions out? What is the purpose of you expressing that? And if it’s not solution focused, then how can you shift your mindset to be asking questions that move you more towards finding a resolution or finding a way to cope with the issue?

Why Retelling the Story Keeps You Stuck

I’ve often had people ask me why I don’t talk about things that are really bothering me. And I’ve had friends say, “You know, you can always talk to me,” or, “I’m here if you just need to vent.” But I don’t always go to them, especially if it’s business related, or if I’m having an issue with a specific person. I don’t tend to have those vent sessions.

Well, one, because if it’s business related, I know that they probably are not the person that’s going to help me find a solution, unless they are in business or understand the workings of my business specifically, or business in general. So it doesn’t feel good to vent, because I have to re-explain all of my issues and challenges and hurdles.

And believe it or not, your brain doesn’t know the difference between what you’re thinking and what you’re doing. In my studies of positive psychology, that was a really profound thing for me to learn. Our brain obviously controls our actions and the functions of our body, but the imaging in our brain really doesn’t know the difference between what is actually happening and what you’re thinking about.

So if I’m retelling a story over and over and over again, trying to get someone to understand my challenges, or if I’m sharing my worries, or if I’m sharing my angst over and over and over again, I’m just reliving that challenge over and over and over again. And I have never been someone who feels good after venting. I feel good when I’m venting and the other person is helping me move towards solution. But just to complain about something, that never feels good to me.

So oftentimes I’ll share with a girlfriend, “I’m really having a hard time with work. Let’s focus on something. Help me get my mind off of it. Help me get some clarity.” Or I might say, “What would you do in this situation?” So I make sure that if I’m going to vent, I’m also going to ask for feedback and something that is solution focused to get me unstuck. The last thing I want to do is to continue to ruminate over the negativity or the challenges that I’m having. So really, anytime I am venting, it is a very intentional and purposeful act, to help shift me more towards solution.

Sharing Your Struggles With Intention

I don’t want to say that you should be fake or never share your problems with people. That’s not healthy, and that’s not authentic. And that’s not the purpose of this podcast, or what I’m sharing with you. I think it’s very human and very normal for us to share our challenges with others. I just challenge you to really think about the purpose of those conversations.

If you’re having a problem with your significant other, talk to your significant other. If you don’t feel that you can talk to them about that fight, or about the challenges that you’re having, confide in someone that you know isn’t going to judge you or judge your husband or your significant other. And set the expectation, set the agreement: “Hey, I’m coming to you because I trust you. And I’m really struggling with something right now in my relationship, and I would really love your honest feedback and support on how I should move forward.”

But when we just go right into it, like, “Girl, you’ll never believe what John did today. I just can’t believe it,” and when your girlfriend tries to offer you another perspective, and you just totally shut it down and just want to continue telling the story, just remember that all you’re doing is reopening that pain.

And also, when we share our pain with others without solution focus, we’re actually just passing that pain on to that person, because there’s no closure to it. People care about you, and they think about the challenges that you’re having. And if they don’t feel that there’s a solution in sight, they begin to think about it and they begin to ruminate on it, and you’re actually bringing down their level of happiness and positive thinking.

And so like that dinner, where we left and we’d all been venting and complaining, I went home and I felt horrible. I think I even came home and felt a little angry with my husband, and we were fine before dinner. And so that ruminating on the negativity doesn’t just stay with you. You’re actually passing that pain and that negative weight over to the person that you’re venting to.

So in closing, I just invite you to be mindful about how you are retelling the stories of challenges that you’re having. I want you to think about the narrative that you’re telling yourself when you are ruminating over a problem, and also how the language you’re using when you’re venting to someone else might be affecting them or their perception of your challenge. Venting can be very useful when it is solution focused. And again, if you are venting to someone who cannot help you shift to solution, then it’s just gossip.

So I hope this was helpful. If you’d like to have further discussion on venting, ruminating, and moving towards solution-focused conversations, join me in my Leading Ladies Facebook group next week and look for that discussion.

Until then, take the lead.

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