277: Growth Brings Criticism: Leading Through It

Hi there. You’re listening to the Leading Lady podcast. I’m your host, AliceAnne Loftus, and I’m a certified professional coach specializing in leadership and work-life balance. I work with clients to shift their limiting beliefs, insecurities, and self-doubt. This podcast will be filled with tools and strategies to help high-achieving women like you feel connected, empowered, and in the lead of your life, both personally and professionally. Let’s transform your life starting now. Lead yourself, the rest will follow.

Hi there, leading ladies, and welcome to today’s episode.

Today I’m going to be talking to you about growth in our business, and how that opens us up to criticism, and how we can lead through it. As your business grows, so does the spotlight, and with visibility comes criticism, sometimes constructive and sometimes not.

And so today I wanna talk about why this happens, potential reasons why it happens. Obviously, I can’t read the minds of others, but I’m gonna make some guesses here, and maybe some assumptions, as to why this might happen. I’m also going to talk about how it impacts us as business owners and leaders, and how we can lead through it.

Why Growth Attracts Criticism

So first, let’s break down why growth attracts criticism. Number one, visibility. The more eyes on you means you’re going to have more opinions of you. This is something that I really struggle with as an introvert, as someone who is actually kind of a private person. I keep my circle very small, but the more public facing I am, the more people have opinions.

And what’s crazy is that they have opinions based only on the things that I choose to let them see. So they have opinions of who I am as a person, or my life, or my business, without actually seeing the full picture. And I think social media and just having a large online presence opens us up to that criticism, because people forget that social media and your online presence is curated.

So the more eyes that are on you, and they’re only seeing a very small part of you, you’re getting more opinions of who you are on less information, if that makes sense.

Change. Discomfort and growth challenge the status quo, and so people resist, or they project their own fears on you. So if you are showing up and you are growing or changing, not everyone is going to be comfortable with your evolution or with your development.

People often want to keep others in the narratives that they have for that person. So when you change or you grow, or you’re expanding or evolving, or you’re stepping into your own discomfort, people are gonna see themselves reflected in that, and they’re not gonna like that. Maybe they’re not ready for change.

Maybe they’re not ready for their own development or evolution, or to level up or whatever, but they’re just not ready to expand that thinking. And so when they see you expanding and you changing, it triggers their own fears.

Number three is comparison. Success can trigger envy or judgment in others. I was lying in bed the other night and I was thinking this, that for every one criticism I get from a man, I get probably four of those similar criticisms, or I get four negative comments, from women. Which is actually absurd, because I have built the entire Leading Lady platform around women supporting women, women uplifting women, women showing up for one another, community over competition. And yet it’s women that have the harshest things to say about me.

And I measure success very differently than, I guess, maybe the norm. I’ve never promised to build wealth or help you scale to a six or seven figure business. I’ve never measured success monetarily. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about money. It doesn’t mean that I don’t value money. Obviously, I value money, but my definition of success comes from peace in my life, impact, flexibility, being able to have a balanced life amongst my priorities of family and friendship and meaningful work.

So it’s just crazy to me that, knowing that my definition of success can be so greatly different from another woman’s definition of success, we still compare ourselves to one another.

And when I get those negative comments of women comparing, or when I feel those negative feelings or those uncomfortable feelings of judgment or envy of another woman, I recognize that that’s my own insecurities, or that ugly monster of comparison creeping out. And so it’s always been interesting to me how success can trigger envy in others, myself included.

And then number four, imperfection in the open. So the more visible you are, the bigger your business gets, the more you’re out there, the more mistakes are visible as well. Because guess what? Spoiler alert, none of us are perfect. And if you have eyes on you, and you’re putting yourself out there, and you’re putting your business out there, and you want people to see your business, then they’re also gonna see your missteps.

They’re gonna see (I’m using air quotes) your “failings.” They’re gonna see the bumps, they’re gonna see the bruises. They’re gonna see the things that you maybe didn’t do at your best. They’re gonna see your imperfections, and you will be judged harshly on that. When people talk about fear of failure, I know it’s fear of others seeing the failure, at least for me.

And so the criticism is there when people see you stumble. They’re gonna point it out. They’re gonna point out that you should have done better, that to be that out in the open and that public, you should have been more careful. I mean, it’s just a reality of being human that there’s going to be error and you’re going to have missteps.

And unfortunately, the bigger you are and the more public facing you are, the more likely it is for people to see and point out those mistakes.

The Types of Criticism Entrepreneurs Face

So what are the types of criticism that entrepreneurs face, that business owners, community leaders face? What do we face? Well, number one is constructive feedback. And this is meant to help us refine our businesses, our products, our services.

And I think constructive feedback is really, really important, and it’s powerful even when it’s difficult to hear. I think that you can be an expert in your field, in your industry, you can be doing the right thing, and still be open to learn and improve and refine. And you can’t do that if you’re not open to constructive feedback.

And for me, as hard as it is, I do often ask for feedback on my products and my services, my offerings, how people experience the Leading Lady community, the different programs. I want to know, because I want to make it better. I always want to make it better. And so when someone gives me that constructive feedback, I really have to look at it. What is their intent behind this?

With constructive feedback, the intent is to help you refine, is to help you get better, is to improve the product, the service, the experience. And so by all means, constructive feedback should be welcomed. There should be time and space for it. And as leaders, we need to be open to that.

Misunderstanding or misinformation. People can assume things without knowing facts. So again, this goes back to people don’t often see the full picture. I got a lot of criticism in my early years of business that I never would’ve been able to be in business if I didn’t marry a wealthy man that could help me start my businesses. People assumed that my husband just wrote a blank check, and that’s… oh, I’m getting a little emotional talking about that.

But people just made assumptions. I was out to dinner with my husband the other night and he said, “Gosh, AliceAnne, you fought so hard against that stereotype of being a gold digger.” And he was just so proud of me that, despite all the misunderstandings that people had, or the misconceptions that they had of me, and that they just assumed that I was being funded by my husband and that’s why my businesses were successful…

This kind of ties into the third type of criticism, which is personal attacks and judgment. I think personal attacks and judgment come from misunderstanding or misinformation, from biases that we have of people. Or when we see something, and rather than taking the time to really get to know the person or learn their circumstances, or even just recognize that their circumstances are none of your business… why?

Why did it even matter if my husband helped me start my businesses? Why did that immediately discredit me from what I built? Especially 21 years later, why is that still the narrative? Why is that still the information that people are holding onto? So people assume things without knowing the facts, and then come those personal attacks and judgment, the criticism of you as a person.

We often lose the humanity of business. We get so focused on the business that people forget that it’s actually run by a real person, a real person with feelings and goals and aspirations and loved ones and all of those things. And so when entrepreneurs experience that personal attack and that judgment, it’s so disheartening.

I’ll only speak for myself here, because I can’t speak for others, but I know for me, those personal attacks are really, really hurtful. Recently I stood up for someone online. People were just awful. I mean, I was reading these comments about her, and I don’t do business with her business. Her business does not align with me, so I’m not a customer of hers.

But I stood up for her. I stood up and I said, “Hey, that’s actually a person. That is a person, whether you agree with their business or not. Personally attacking someone, or saying vile things about a human, about a woman in your community, should just never be acceptable.” It should never be acceptable.

And unfortunately, in our society right now, we just see so many personal attacks of people. And I just want to encourage you, if you’re listening to this and if you’ve seen what’s going on in the news, and how people are ripping apart people just because they think differently than them, it’s like a never-ending cycle.

And so when you hear those personal attacks and those judgments, even if you agree with them, I wish that we could just be in a space where we wouldn’t engage in that.

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Hi, Leading Lady podcast listeners. This is Maria, a licensed mental health therapist and the founder of The Coaching Therapist, LLC. I specialize in helping people prioritize their emotional wellness by sharing tools through training, workshops, and consultation. My mission is to make these tools accessible to all. You can connect with me on my website, thecoachingtherapist.com, or my Instagram, Coaching Therapist.

Silent Criticism

The fourth type of criticism entrepreneurs face is silent criticism: people just disengaging, unsubscribing, or quietly stepping away. So you might think, “Well, that’s not really criticism. We all have the power to just walk away.” And I think as an entrepreneur, that rejection does feel like criticism.

What did I do wrong? Why did that person leave? And so I do think that that quiet rejection can be internalized as criticism, because at least for me, I sit there and go, “What didn’t land right? Did I offend them? Was my product not good? Did they not see value?” And that silent criticism is almost worse than any constructive feedback, because you don’t know.

You don’t know what you did wrong, or if you did something wrong, or if that person just doesn’t like you because of you being you. So I think silent criticism is probably the one that has a little bit of a zing to it, because you just don’t know.

The Emotional Impact of Criticism

So what’s the emotional impact of this? We have to acknowledge that even when we’re confident, even when we know we have a good business and we know we’re doing good things and we know that we have a powerful impact, we know the value of our product and our programs and our services, that criticism still stings. And that’s okay.

That’s okay. It’s okay if it hurts. It’s okay. We are taught in so many memes to just ignore it. But I don’t want you to ignore it. I want you to recognize the emotion that it has on you. I want you to feel the feels and process them. The worst thing we can do is just act like our feelings aren’t real or valid.

So acknowledge that even if you know your value, and you know that you’re doing well, and you’re providing something good, and you know you’re a good person, or you believe you’re a good person, it’s okay to still feel the sting of that criticism. Some common reactions are defensiveness, doubt, overexplaining.

Oh my goodness. I am the queen of overexplaining. I’m a verbal processor, and I have to talk it out. And when I feel that criticism, I feel like I have to talk it to death. I have to explain my side of it. And I’m learning at 44 years old that not everyone needs to hear my side of it. But I do get defensive.

I do get self-doubt. I think, “Oh my gosh, I wanna stay small. I don’t wanna put myself out there.” And then my advice is just to always tie it back to the value of honesty in your emotions. Like I said before, it’s okay to admit that something hurts. It’s okay. Process those feelings.

How to Reframe Criticism

So how can we reframe the criticism? Number one, filter the source. Who’s giving the feedback? Is it a client, a mentor, or just a random commenter, just a keyboard warrior, a troll? I don’t know. Really be discerning about who is giving you this criticism.

Check for alignment. Does this criticism or this critique align with your mission and values? Does it matter? Does it matter? Always going back to your mission and values is going to give you clarity on how you will receive things, or how you want to respond.

Look for the nugget. Even poorly delivered feedback may hold insight. So we actually talked about this in a recent Hub conversation, that when criticism is given to you, it can come in the worst way. Someone could be raging, spitting mad at you and spewing horrible criticism.

And you can still get value from it. You can still kind of filter through it and be like, “But is there a nugget of truth in there that can help me refine or grow? Or am I just gonna let it go?” But look for the nugget. Look for any insight that can actually help you improve.

And then release the noise. Not every opinion deserves a seat at your table. Once you’ve assessed, “Who is giving me the feedback? Does it align with my mission and values? Does it give me insight on how to improve?” and if it doesn’t do any of those things, then just release it. Release the noise, and be like, “Man, that really stung to hear that and feel that.”

“And I hope that that person’s okay, because that wasn’t very nice and it hurt me, and now I’m gonna release it.” And I’m not trying to be flippant or dismissive and make that sound easy, but it is kind of a reminder that just because someone has an opinion of you doesn’t mean you have to act upon it.

It doesn’t mean you have to change anything. You can receive it, process it, and then let it go.

Practical Strategies for Leaders

So what are some practical strategies for leaders? We all should develop a feedback practice. Regularly ask people we trust to give us feedback on our businesses.

Create boundaries. We don’t have to read every comment, especially on social media. I have been fortunate. I don’t get a lot of negative comments on my stuff. I do get a lot of DMs that aren’t super awesome, and sometimes I just have to be like, “You know what? I’m not even gonna sift through that.” Especially as a moderator of such a large Facebook group, I do have to filter through some of that, and I have to create boundaries for myself to protect myself from all that negativity.

Criticism often attacks one slice of who you are. So if we’re gonna take this back to my strategic wheel, I look at it and I’m like, “Okay, well, what are they actually criticizing here? Is this a minor adjustment here? How does this fit into who I am holistically, as a full person running a business, and how can I balance that?”

Practice emotional regulation. This is such a big one, and I wish… I’m a Filipino hothead, so I wish that I did more of this. But pause before responding. Journaling, writing out a response, even if I’m not gonna send it. Just having an opportunity to write it out, or process it, or talk it through.

And then seek perspective. I have a handful of trusted individuals that I will go to, and I will say, “Play devil’s advocate for me here. Help me see what I don’t see. What are my blind spots in this? Help me find the insight.” So I go to people that aren’t just yes-ma’am people, but are really trying to help me be the best version of myself and will give it to me straight.

Finally, use criticism as a teacher, not a dictator. Again, going back to just because someone criticizes you or has an opinion does not mean that you have to do anything about it. You can simply be like, “Thank you for your opinion. Thank you for your feedback.” And then you can move on with yourself, with your merry little life, and not change anything.

Just because someone says something doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it. So be discerning in that.

I Rise in Wisdom and Build With Joy

So I wanna give a little bit of encouragement, if you’re listening to this episode and it really resonates with you. Growth and criticism are inseparable. It means that you’re doing something big.

If someone disagrees with you, that means that you’re putting yourself out there, and that you’re sharing who you are and what you believe and what you work for. It’s gonna happen. People are allowed to disagree with you, and that’s okay. A mantra that I say often to myself is, “I rise in wisdom and I build with joy, even in the face of criticism.”

And I’ve really been working on that, on living that and believing that. That’s the thing about mantras: sometimes we have to repeat them until we truly believe them. I want to grow my business in wisdom. I want to take lessons that I’ve learned, missteps that I’ve made, and I want to be better. I want to learn from them. I want to be wise in how I grow, and I want to build with joy.

Joy has been a huge presence for me, especially in these last 30 days, coming back from this trip with my son. Just having this perspective that I want a life of joy. I want to be in the moment. I want to do things that bring joy to my life, that bring fulfillment and purpose and pleasure to my life, and I want to build my business in that joy. Not just joy for others, but I want to experience that as well, even in the face of criticism.

Just to talk about the DMs, I recently got this DM and it was so heavy. It was so heavy, and I thought, “Oh gosh, I’m gonna have to deal with this.” This woman wanted to hash it out and meet me, and I don’t even know why, because I’m such a nobody in her orbit. So I don’t know why she was trying to pull me into this drama. And I sat back, and I was so proud of myself.

I didn’t respond immediately, and I really thought about how I wanted to move forward. And I said, “Gosh, I don’t need to respond to this. I don’t need to engage in this.” I did respond, and I was kind and professional. I just said that I’m focusing on really positive things in my life and my business right now, and I wished her well, and I hoped that she could just let this go.

Basically, people pit us against each other, and I just wasn’t there for it. And I just wished her well and encouraged her to focus on the things that were going well in her business and move on.

So I’m gonna ask you, the listener, to reflect on a recent piece of criticism that you’ve had on yourself or your work. And I wanna ask you to really go through the questions for yourself. What’s true? What is true in that criticism? What’s the noise? And how can you grow from it?

If this resonated with you, I do read and respond to every email, every message, when people reach out about the podcast. And I invite you to share your experiences with criticism in business. How are you dealing with it? Where do you need support? Do you just need someone to help you process this?

If you’re looking for a community and coaching to navigate those challenges, definitely consider joining us on The Hub. We talk about these things. Like I said, we just had a really powerful Hub conversation around really standing in your expertise and being open to learn and receive feedback.

And so I’d love to hear from you. Like I said, if this resonated with you, you are not alone. And if criticism, or fear of judgment, or fear of criticism is holding you back from really stepping into your expertise and putting yourself out there and putting your business out there, let’s connect.

Let’s talk about it. Let’s process it together, because those are definitely feelings I’m feeling, and it’s just a reminder that you’re not alone.

So until next time, take the lead.

Thanks for tuning in for another episode of the Leading Lady podcast. You can find all of the links and information mentioned in this episode at www.leadinglady-coaching.com. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to follow the show so you don’t miss any future episodes. And while you’re there, it would mean the world to me if you would take a few seconds and leave me an honest review. This will allow me to be able to help other high-achieving women find inspiration, connection, and develop strategies to live and lead with purpose and intention. See you here next week.