269: Don’t Forget the Person Behind the Business

Hi there. You’re listening to the Leading Lady podcast. I’m your host, AliceAnne Loftus, and I’m a certified professional coach specializing in leadership and work-life balance. I work with clients to shift their limiting beliefs, insecurities, and self-doubt. This podcast will be filled with tools and strategies to help high-achieving women like you feel connected, empowered, and in the lead of your life, both personally and professionally. Let’s transform your life starting now. Lead yourself, the rest will follow.

Hi there, leading ladies, and welcome to today’s episode.

Today I’m going to be sharing with you some reflections that I’ve had on how I’m showing up in my communities and how I’m growing and developing. I’m also gonna be a little bit vulnerable with you, in that I’m feeling some self-doubt and some trepidation in what I’m putting out there, and I’m really trying to be discerning in the areas that I grow and what I’m putting out there into the world and into my communities.

A Toxic Post About a Fellow Founder

Recently I came across a Facebook post in another group that was actually a very toxic post. It was someone complaining about the founder of another Facebook group. It’s a local group to where I live, and I happen to personally know the founder of this group. I know that she’s probably had more than a few negative run-ins with people in our community, but in her defense, she’s built something really incredible.

It is a Facebook group that provides resources and connection for tens of thousands of women in our community. And so I think to build something like that, it’s admirable. I run a Facebook group, a small Facebook group of about 7,000 people, and it is a lot of work to moderate that and curate it to be a community of value.

I respect her, and I won’t back down from that, regardless of how I feel about her personally. But anyway, there was a spinoff group of the group she created, and in this spinoff group, they were ripping her apart. And I’m not talking about just complaining about the group, like, “Oh, that group stinks, and our resources are so much better.”

No, it wasn’t like that. It was like, “Hey, this woman,” and then they used her full name, and then proceeded to say the most awful things about her, about her mental health, about her business model, about her character. It was vile. Just vile. And like I said, regardless of how I personally feel about her, I think that we as a society sometimes forget that businesses are run by people.

We have to humanize businesses and recognize that, absolutely, especially these small businesses are run by real people. I would be completely mortified if somebody was writing something like that about me on a forum that I wasn’t participating in, and they were saying horrible, nasty, vile things about me.

I think I would just crawl in a hole and die. And I hope that I live in a way that people wouldn’t believe negative things like that about me. But I also know that I am the villain in other people’s stories, and I don’t say that lightly. I know that there have been people along my journey that have disagreed with me, that I have probably wronged, intentionally or unintentionally.

I’ve been doing this 20-plus years. I know that not everyone likes me. Having said that, if a mass of people were to berate me like that, I just don’t think I have thick enough skin for that. And I posted in my Facebook group encouraging the Leading Lady community to do better. Let’s not engage in that kind of fodder.

And if we can remember that there are real people, there are humans behind small businesses, then perhaps we can lead with grace and compassion. And if we come across someone that we realize does not align with our values, then I hope we can simply choose to just walk away.

Why It Hit Me So Hard

I had to do a lot of reflection on why that bothered me so much, because admittedly, I’m not really a fan of that woman. A couple months ago she even called me and was like, “Hey, I heard that you don’t like me.” And I’m like, “I don’t.” I’ll say that with my full face and my full government name. I don’t need to hide behind an anonymous tag or avatar. And I think if you know me in real life, people will tell you that what you see is what you get.

I really don’t put up facades or fronts, and it’s pretty easy to tell what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. And so why did that hit me so bad? Why was I willing to stand up for someone that I don’t even agree with? And I’ll tell you why. Like I said at the beginning of this, I have a lot of respect for someone that can build such a powerful resource for the community.

I run a small group. It takes a lot of work to moderate it, to curate it, to hold the integrity of it. I know I’m not for everyone, and like I said, I know that I’ve probably irked some people and they don’t like me. Having said that, there’s still value and meaning in the work that I do. Just like this other individual, there’s still value, and a lot of people benefit from the resources that she puts out there.

So why was I so triggered? Well, I was triggered because I’m essentially doing something very similar. Anytime you create something for the consumption of others, okay, anytime you put resources out there, put yourself out there, you cannot make everyone happy. The best of places will still get negative reviews.

The Fear of Putting Yourself Out There

Inevitably, there will be someone that doesn’t like what you’re doing. And I think what triggered me so much is that I’m in a season of growth, and I’m having to step into a place where I’m really having to show up and really having to put myself out there. And I know that the more I put myself out there, the more likely it is that people are going to reject me or not align with me or say that what I’m putting out there is crap.

Or some people just don’t like you because you’re you. They don’t wanna see you win. Now, I will say the majority of people I have come across really do want to see you win, and it’s taken me a long time to shift that mindset. But the truth is people do love to see success stories.

People love to champion other people. And then there’s a small group, and they’re usually the loudest group, that really wants to see you fail. So when I saw this happening to this woman… And I know it’s apples and oranges. We have different audiences, we have different personalities. We approach business differently.

I know that at my core, but I just can’t even wrap my head around someone, or like I said, a mass of people, having such negative, terrible, toxic things to say. But this isn’t about her, and this isn’t about that Facebook post. The reflection is, it’s about my fear. It’s about putting myself out there.

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When Your Face Is the Face of the Business

When I started my preschool business over 20 years ago, that business was much different than the Leading Lady business. Preschool is about providing a service and a product for families. I had staff, I had a building, I had a curriculum, and those things weren’t a direct reflection of my character or my person.

I mean, yes, you can say, “Oh, she chose that curriculum because she values play-based learning. Okay. Oh, that really aligns with me.” The values of the program are admirable, and they resonate with parents. And they were the values that I wanted as a parent, but it wasn’t directly like, “Oh, they’re choosing the values of AliceAnne.”

They were, but it wasn’t my name, it wasn’t my face that was front and center. It was the business’s name, the business’s logo, the business’s employees. There’s so much in between them and me. I could almost detach a little bit. I was protected. My persona was protected from the public in that way. That doesn’t mean I didn’t take it personally when people didn’t like my preschool business, or when people were unhappy, or if they did leave me a negative review, which, yes.

Believe it or not, with all of our awards and accolades and all the success I’ve had in those preschool years, I have some pretty terrible stories too. I have horrible stories of when somebody was not happy with us or when we didn’t meet the expectations of a family, not because we were a bad preschool or we had failed or we were out of compliance, but because that person just wasn’t happy. It wasn’t a good fit.

And to this day I still take those things personally, because it is my business. How that’s different from Leading Lady, or from the business that I’ve built, is that my face is the face of the business. My name is the name of the business. It very much is tied to my personal self.

It feels raw, and sometimes I feel very vulnerable and very naked and very exposed to harsh criticism. And I know that other people feel that way too, especially when you’re a solopreneur or you’re smaller and you really are the face of your business. I know that it’s scary to put yourself out there.

I mean, when you talk to any marketing specialist, they tell you, “Put your face out there. People have to know, like, and trust you. They need to see your face on social media. You’ve gotta show up in videos, and you have to have real pictures of your face.” How many times have I said face? And so many of us are like, “No, I don’t wanna show up.”

“I don’t wanna show up in that. I don’t want people to see me.” But when you are the brand of your business, you have to show up. And the more you show up, the more you put yourself out there, the more people see you. Just statistically, the more people are going to dislike you, just because they don’t resonate with you, or they don’t like your hair color, or they are jealous of you, whatever.

There’s an endless list of reasons why people can decide to be your critic instead of your champion. And so that was what it really brought up for me. You can be the juiciest peach in the world, and someone still doesn’t like peaches, and they’re gonna shout from the rooftops about how horrible you are.

Compassion for the Ones Who Show Up

And what I learned from that exchange is, I guess, compassion. Compassion for the people that really are showing up authentically and pissing people off, whether they mean to or not. At least they’re showing up. All of those people that were berating her online, behind anonymous avatars? Well, at least she shows up.

At least you know what’s on her mind. At least you know what she’s thinking. I think there’s nothing worse than a critic who disguises themself as a friend, or a critic that is such a coward that they can’t even stand behind their own words. And unfortunately, in a digital world, we see a lot of that.

So what’s the point of this podcast? Well, I wanted to talk about why this triggered me so much. I wanna share with you the emotions behind it. No, it wasn’t this virtuous, “Oh, I’m standing up for someone else.” I think at the end of the day, I was standing up for myself. I was standing up for all women who show up and put themselves out there.

And just because we may not be everyone’s cup of tea doesn’t mean that we’re not gonna find the people that really value us and really respect and admire the work that we do, who need the resources. What’s sad about that scenario is that so many of those people need those resources. They posted anonymously because they didn’t want those resources taken away.

And it just amplified to me how scary it is to put yourself out there, and that the criticism is gonna come and it’s gonna be harsh. So what do we do with that? Well, I don’t know. Maybe that’s another podcast episode. What am I gonna do with that for today? I’m going to keep showing up. I’m going to put one foot in front of the next, and I’m gonna always try to do the next right thing.

I’m gonna try to be kind to people. I’m going to try to live a life where if someone says something bad about me, hopefully there will be others that speak up for me and defend my name or don’t believe the negative things that are said. I know, I know. I am the villain in some people’s stories. And what’s that quote?

“Maturity is realizing that not everyone has to hear your side.” And so I’m just gonna be okay with that. But I’m going to continue to put one foot in front of the next and do the work that I’m passionate about, and try to be good to people as best I can. And as long as my intentions are good and my heart’s in the right place, I hope that it lands and it resonates with the right people.

And if I hurt someone, I will take accountability for that. If I do someone wrong, I will apologize.

Feeling Like a Fraud

I shared in my most recent ambassador mini retreat that sometimes I felt like a little bit of a fraud. Here I was on social media standing up for this person, and I have people in my own life that I don’t like. The little green monster comes out in me, and I don’t wanna see them win. They completely agitate me.

And I can think of two scenarios just in the last couple weeks where I wasn’t my best self. I didn’t blow it up on the internet, but in quiet moments, when someone was like, “Hey, are you coming to support this woman?” I’m like, “Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I do not support her. I do not wanna be even in the same room with her.”

And I’m like, why did I say that? Why? Well, number one, my face does not have an inside voice. So they probably knew how I felt, even if I didn’t say anything. Number two, I am not someone who is good at being fake.

I can be professional, I can be cordial, I cannot be fake. So when I’m asked point blank, “Do you support this business?” I’m going to point blank give you my honest answer. And in those moments, my honest answer was absolutely not. “But wait, AliceAnne, aren’t you all about supporting women in business and empowering women?”

Yes, I am. And yes, I still hold a boundary that if I don’t like you, or if you’ve wronged me, or we’ve clashed, I no longer want to be in the same circles as you. I no longer want to be in the same rooms as you. You can be kind and empowering and supportive and all of those wonderful things that come with women in leadership and all the things that Leading Lady stands for.

And you can still have boundaries. You can still say, “Yeah, but I don’t support that.” Again, I didn’t publicly blast that. I would never publicly blast someone. But in those private, quiet moments, I did have that knee-jerk response of “absolutely not.” And in one case I did circle back, and I sent a message afterwards and said, “When you brought that up, I was kind of ugly about it,” and I apologized. And the woman was so gracious.

She said, “You weren’t ugly, you were honest. And I don’t know what happened between you and this other person, but in my book, you’re both good people.” And I was really thankful for that grace. And again, we are people. I have human feelings. I am agitated by things, annoyed. I don’t click with everyone. Not everyone is my person, especially when our values don’t align.

Women Supporting Women, With Boundaries

But I shared with my ambassadors that I felt kind of like a fraud, because I don’t like everybody and I do hold boundaries. And what does that mean for Leading Lady? And I was reminded that Leading Lady stands for integrity and truth and respect. It doesn’t mean a free pass just because you’re a woman.

I powerfully, strongly, profoundly believe in women supporting women. And I also believe in holding boundaries for ourselves and finding spaces and places where we feel that we belong and that we can be our true, authentic, honest, raw selves. So what are we gonna do with that, ladies? We’re gonna continue to show up.

We’re going to own our emotions. When we wrong someone, we’re gonna say we’re sorry. We’re going to move forward trying to do the next right thing. And we’re going to know that we’re not everyone’s cup of tea, but if we continue to show up as our best authentic selves, we will find our people.

So until next time, take the lead.

Thanks for tuning in for another episode of the Leading Lady podcast. You can find all of the links and information mentioned in this episode at www.leadinglady-coaching.com. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to follow the show so you don’t miss any future episodes. And while you’re there, it would mean the world to me if you would take a few seconds and leave me an honest review. This will allow me to be able to help other high-achieving women find inspiration, connection, and develop strategies to live and lead with purpose and intention. See you here next week.